


Wow, another zombie apocalypse? Raise your hand if you saw this comin

by CrazyAssFangirl



Category: South Park
Genre: Another zombie apocalypse, Craig is very gay, Craig isn't a pissy asshole, Everyone Is Gay, I'm Sorry, Satan is gay as FUCK, This show is gay in general, Whoop whoop a one shot for ya, why am I doing this to myself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 08:29:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17443460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrazyAssFangirl/pseuds/CrazyAssFangirl
Summary: Another zombie apocalypse hits South Park. Because this is South Park, so, y'know, it happens a lot. Someone minor dies. Enjoy whatever the hell this one shot is, I just found it on my usb drive for fanfics.





	Wow, another zombie apocalypse? Raise your hand if you saw this comin

              Craig's P.O.V:

This was always a favorite ditching spot of mine. I loved how even though all the schools in South Park were woefully underfunded, the school still had an accessible rooftop. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night, due to the fact that I had to do an English paper that utterly destroyed my already questionable grades. Then, everything in the world went silent for a few seconds and I heard, from the ground _four floors beneath me_ the sound of muffled, limping footsteps. I looked down and saw a man who's skin was pale, his black hair was limp and greasy and appeared to be matted with blood, and his face was tilted towards the ground. Usually, nobody gave a fuck who went into the school's but I guess the brand new female principle of this high school didn't get the memo, and she stalked out of the school to meet the man.

Everybody _detested_ the new principle because of how she acted. She was even worse than the vice principle we'd had in elementary school, Strong Woman, or whatever it was, and she acted so damn entitled that it made me want to throw up. She had hated Kyle almost immediately just because he got almost perfect scores on every piece of work he ever turned in. She claimed that he must keep finding ways to cheat himself out of doing any real work, and that had pissed Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Pip, Damien, Butters, Bebe, Tweek, Token, Clyde, and I off, and even managed to get Cartman to hate her because of the comments he threw but what made it even worse was that her next target became Stan. Her son was one of the best players on the football team, but Stan managed to tackle him once during practice, and the principle had flipped out, and said that Stan was a maniac, a threat to society, and that he had no self-control. That had made the guilt that Stan felt about hurting the older boy even worse, and that had pissed all of us off, including the rest of the football team. We came after Stan, and so not only had she pissed off one of the most popular group of guys at the school, but she'd also angered Bebe and her other sweet friends, and Wendy and her hoes, and every single fucking person on the football team and all their friends. So, by the time three months had passed, everyone hated the principle, and the constant negative stories were wearing down on the support she had from her teachers. I let a smirk crawl over my face at the thought of her trying desperately to hold onto whatever shreds of control and respect she still had, and thought to myself: _You_ never _fuck with one of my friends, or you'll end up regretting it forever, I promise you that._ Kyle, Stan, and sort of Kenny had scraped together three hundred dollars and given it to me to make up for the accidental trip to Peru we took when we were nine. They paid me the extra hundred dollars for making me wait so long for the two hundred dollars they had promised me five years ago, and so I had put that petty grudge behind me and I tried to be their friends.

The man was just standing there in the front area of the school, and then he leaned forward and the principle leaned closer, thinking he was trying to talk to her, and I got a sinking feeling in my gut. Sure enough, he didn't say anything to her, instead choosing to rip out a chunk of her throat and she screamed before dropping to the pavement, dead. But, a few moments later, her body began to twitch. Instead of thinking something like: 'It's a miracle!' or 'She must be fighting to stay alive!' I thought: 'No, even South Park can't be unlucky enough to get two zombie apocalypse's in one god damn decade. God can't possibly hate us that much, can he?' But, sure enough, the principle was dead, and starting to limp into the school. I ran to the door of the roof and practically jumped down the staircases as I tore down two floors towards my geometry class. I pulled open the door and the teacher gave me a dry look. "Well, Mr. Tucker. We are ever so blessed to have you decide to grace us with your sarcastic ass precense." I just shakily flipped him off as I ran towards Tweek and grabbed his wrist.

"We need to go, NOW." He stared at me shakily and Kyle stood up and looked at me.

"What happened, man?" He asked me in concern, and I swiveled my body towards him.

"Remember when we were like, eight or nine and we had the zombie apocalypse?" I asked, and a few moments later his face paled as he stumbled back in shock. He landed on Stan's lap, but didn't even seem to notice as he just stared at me in shock. Stan also stared at me, and then he squeezed Kyle's hand and they both stood up and walked towards me.

"If you're fucking with us, Craig, good job, you got us." Kyle said and Stan nodded shakily.

"I wish." I scoffed. "Listen, I just saw a man in his mid-forties take a fucking bite out of the principle's neck. She collapsed to the ground in a puddle of her own blood, and after maybe, fifteen seconds, she got up. There is no way someone could survive that long when a third of their neck is gone." I said, and Tweek took my hand. I didn't even realize until then how bad I was shaking. I turned to Clyde and Token, who had stood up, and were now holding hands as they walked towards me from the front of the classroom. "Are you guys ready to go on one last, possibly eternal, death-defying adventure?" I asked them and did my best to shoot them a confident, but slightly taunting smirk, which they all returned. I took my phone out of my pocket and called Kenny, which I never do unless it's a real emergency. He picked up on the third ring. "Grab Butters and any of our other friends that are in your class, then meet us on the second floor by that janitor's closet that no one uses anymore." I listened as he asked me why it was so important. "Listen Ken," I used his nickname to show just how serious I was. "I just saw our principle get part of her throat torn out. We're dealing with another zombie apocalypse, except this one is probably going to last a lot longer and won't be as easy to end as when those idiots dumped tabasco sauce into your body." He let out an extremely long string of curses that was so creatively descriptive of the situation we were in, that I managed a slight chuckle. "Just get your sparkly ass down here quickly. We need to leave and find a safe spot to hide out at."

Ten long, tense minutes later, Pip, Damien, Butters, Kenny, Bebe, Wendy, Cartman, and a few of Wendy's hoes were running up to join us at the old janitor's closet. When they arrived, I broke off the handle of an old broom and tossed it to Damien, grabbed an old bag of golf clubs and told Tweek to distribute them, and then, I managed to find a couple guns that looked brand new and were already loaded and ready to shoot. I handed one gun to Kyle, the other to Pip. Ever since Pip had started to date Damien, the son of Satan, Pip had gotten less innocent. By a lot. He nodded grimly and grabbed Damien's hand for comfort, and Damien didn't resist. Due to Satan trying to do Damien a favor to help with Damien's relationship with Pip, he made Damien a complete mortal until Pip died. Sure, he was stronger, faster, and hotter than any normal mortal could hope to accomplish, but Damien had temporarily lost his powers. "What about you, though?" Clyde asked as he examined his golf club, trying to figure out the best way to do damage. I smirked as I walked over to my locker and I swung open the door, and grabbed my katana, the num-chuks, and the four throwing stars I had stored in my locker and turned back to them.

"I've been preparing myself for a world disaster since that bitch of a principle tried to ruin the reputation of Kyle, Stan, and the rest of the football players, as well as tried to destroy our group." It sounded a little gay to say it like that, but then again, I was a lot more than just a little gay for Tweek, so I really couldn’t have been bothered to give a fuck. With that thought, I slammed my locker shut for the last time and started running down the hallway. I slid down the double railings of the staircase just to save myself energy and a little time, and two minutes later, we ran out the front doors of the school to see nine teachers, the football coach, the principle and the vice principle, and that man I'd first seen earlier, roaming around the front of the school campus.

"Holy mother fucking shit Tucker." Kenny breathed out as we stared at the zombies. "You were fucking right. Except this is going to be a lot worse than anything South Park has seen in the past fourteen years." Everyone nodded, but I just crept down the stairs at the front of the school towards the nearest zombie. He suddenly turned in my direction and I froze in place, but he didn't even look at me. Like, he couldn't see at all. I gave out a small cheer then froze when three zombies came in my direction. Apparently they couldn't see, but they were perfectly able to react to sound. Unsheathing my katana quietly, I darted forward quickly and silently, and sliced the head of one zombie off, and the arms off two more. The arms I cut off landed on the ground with a thump, but the zombies didn't even react to the fact that they each just lost a limb. They just continued to moan pitifully and stumble around. I ran back towards the others and told them quietly what I had deduced. "Just be quiet and quick. Like when we were younger and were pretending to be ninja's, except got mistaken for Isis members. The sudden image of Cartman dressed as a ninja yelling 'RESPECT MAI ATHORETEH!' entered my mind and I snorted a laugh at the memory. Then, Pip drew his gun and quickly shot three approaching zombies from making us one of them. Kyle drew his gun as well and fired at the principle and vice principle, making them drop to the ground.

"Always wanted to do that to her." Kyle said darkly as he lowered the gun to his side. I grinned as Stan snorted out a laugh. And even when we were surrounded by the zombified forms of our old classmates and teachers, I knew we would be okay. We were from South Park, after all.


End file.
